16.3.19

Sir Roger And The Witches - Part 13


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   Mr. Belvedere had not told any of the staff at Seagate that he would be coming by again. He certainly did not tell them why he had. He kept himself reined in, even more stoic and unreadable than usual, as he claimed the tower office for his investigation once more, hanging his overcoat from the back of his chair like a flag claiming territory for the Crown.
   He could have retrieved the prisoners himself, easily. It had been made clear that he had access to whichever keys he liked at Seagate. Instead he made the guards escort them to and fro, one by one. He wanted them to have a taste of the actual pursuit of justice; tedious and with a lot of seemingly pointless steps.
   Most of the prisoners had nothing to say. On the night in question, they’d been asleep until the guards’ shouting had woken them up, to a person; except for Ms. Harker.
   She was ushered into the office by a spotty young guard. He looked young enough to be Mr. Belvedere’s grandson, had he had any children to make that possible. Mr. Belvedere dismissed him with a silent stare, as he had for the past few prisoners. Then, the Elite man smiled as warmly as he could at the timid Ms. Harker, still standing warily by the closed door. He stood, and she shied back a bit. He came around the desk and pulled out a chair for her, the one David had been careful to choose.
   “Please, have a seat, Ms. Harker. I promise not to keep you long. My name’s Mr. Belvedere. I’m with the Royal Elite.”
   She scurried over and sat, head down. Mr. Belvedere took up the chair behind the desk, careful not to make sudden movements. He studied her in silence a moment before speaking.
   “I know,” he began. She looked up at him, puzzled. “I know how scary I am. I know how you feel about big ugly men right now, and I apologize for bein’ one. I promise I would not bother you if it wasn’t important.”
   Ms. Harker eyed him nervously up and down. Then she murmured:
   “You’re not ugly.”
   Mr. Belvedere, in spite of his best efforts, started. The surprise on his face was plain.
   “Well, goodness me. How kind of you to say, Ms. Harker.” He leaned forward tentatively. “Would you still call me scary?”
   She considered this a moment.
   “No,” she admitted. “I’m sorry if I seem out of sorts. I’m just tired. I don’t mean to be shy.”
   “In your position, I do not blame you.” He leaned in further, folding his hands on the desk. She did not even blink. “Ms. Harker, this beauteous face is not the reason I asked to see you. I was hoping to talk about Ms. van Allen, your unfortunate neighbour up the way.”
   She looked instantly worried. “The one who…”
   Mr. Belvedere picked up her slack.
   “…passed away, yes. What can you tell me about the night she passed?”
   “Well…she’d been yelling a lot that day. Throwing things. Spitting, by the sound of it. It didn’t sound pleasant.”
   “I can’t imagine so,” said Mr. Belvedere. “What was she yelling about?”
   “The guards, mostly. And, their mothers,” she added, with a slight blush. “And how she wasn’t going to eat until she’d spoken to a lawyer.”
   The Elite man had heard this answer several times, from guards and prisoners alike. Ms. Harker continued.
   “It went on for quite some time, well into the night. She calmed down eventually, but then…the guard started shouting. And they all came running.”
   She looked down at the corner of the desk, seemingly exhausted by those few short sentences. Mr. Belvedere studied her very carefully.
   “Is that all you remember? Can you be any more specific about what you heard?”
   She kept her head bowed.
   “I really don’t know much. I’m sorry. I wish I could be more help.”
   The rest of them had meant it. Mr. Belvedere lowered his voice.
   “Ms. Harker, you won’t be in any trouble if you tell me the truth. Of course, you won’t be in any trouble if you choose not to say anything, either. But I hope you know that if you do decide to talk, you could help me out quite a bit.”
   Her face crumpled in misery. Mr. Belvedere leaned aside to rummage in his discarded overcoat. He produced a crinkled handkerchief and offered it across the desk. Ms. Harker clutched at it like a child clutching a stuffed bear. The Elite man waited for her to continue.
   “Mr. Belvedere, do you think she might have been murdered? Is that what these questions are about?”
   Mr. Belvedere considered both the truthful answer, and the correct one. He went with the latter.
   “I’ve seen no evidence to suggest such a thing, Ms. Harker, though it is one of the possibilities I have to consider.” Elbows on the desk, hands clasped in the air before him, he met her wide, wet eyes. “Is there a reason you ask?”
   “The thing is, I don’t sleep well here,” she warbled. “When I do, it’s only for a couple of hours at a time. The softest noises are enough to keep me up these days. I was awake when the guards found her. I had been for some time. And…a few minutes before all the shouting started, I heard a cell being unlocked and opened.”
   “Before she was found,” confirmed Mr. Belvedere, eyebrows raised.
   “Long before,” agreed Ms. Harker. “Nearly a quarter-hour. I don’t recall it being locked again, either. I just remember the rattle of keys, and the squeak of hinges…then something that sounded like fabric being torn. Over and over. There was some shuffling, like footsteps, and, I thought I heard muttering too. As if someone was repeating something to themselves.”
   “Male? Female?” asked Mr. Belvedere. Ms. Harker shook her head.
   “It was too quiet. I don’t know.”
   “Did you get up for a look?”
   “No. I didn’t dare. The guards weren’t in a good mood and I didn’t want to draw attention. After they found her…well, I couldn’t stop myself from looking. It was impossible to ignore. But I didn’t hang around gawking. As soon as I realized what had happened I only wanted to curl up and hide.”
   Mr. Belvedere nodded his sympathy.
   “So, you can’t be absolutely sure that it was Ms. van Allen’s cell being opened.”
   “No,” she admitted. “The corridor echoes so much, I can’t say for certain. But, if it wasn’t hers, whose could it have been? An unlocked cell can’t go unnoticed for long, can it?”
   “I wouldn’t imagine so,” said Mr. Belvedere, ruminating. “That’s a very interesting story, Ms. Harker.”
   The panic on her face was plain.
   “You won’t tell anyone I said anything, will you?”
   “I am sworn not to, as an officer of the law. I may discuss the case with those assisting it, but no one outside that, I promise you, very small circle is allowed to know anything before they need to.”
   “What if he’s still here? And he finds out I heard something?” Ms. Harker had carefully lowered her voice, leaning in. Mr. Belvedere met her worried eyes directly.
   “You’re talking about a murderer,” he said, with as little inflection as possible.. She didn’t need to respond. Once again, Mr. Belvedere chose the correct answer.
   “Ms. Harker, a few shufflin’s in the night don’t make a homicide. Something strange might very well have happened, but there’s no need to jump to conclusions. It’s my job to do the worrying, not yours. If it so happens that there’s more to this than a young woman takin’ her own life, then the best thing you can do is keep to yourself. Don’t tell anyone what you told me.”
   “Couldn’t you post an Elite man at my door? Or, take me into your custody, just in case?”
   “I could,” said Mr. Belvedere, “but that would attract more attention than you or I want right now. The most sensible thing we can do is stay quiet. If there is a murderer out there, it’ll be easiest to catch them before they know they’re being hunted. It’s an awful prospect, and I understand how terrified you must be to have to face it, but I come to you on bended knee, Ms. Harker; stay brave, and do not say a word.”
   As if to demonstrate her willingness to cooperate, she remained silent. Her eyes were still wet, though they held new resolve. Mr. Belvedere showed her to the door, back into the custody of the spotty young guard. When both had disappeared down the stairs, the Elite man allowed himself a grimace.
   After a few more prisoners had been shown up, it became clear that Ms. Harker was the only one with a unique story to tell. Mr. Belvedere returned to the Lancer with a full head and an empty stomach. He was glad he’d stopped back at the hotel; there was a message for him at the front desk from one Ms. Marigold Baker, inviting him to meet her at the Rose and Badger. He sent a response that he would. He only had one stop to make, first.

   Marigold worked on her unguents that afternoon. She knew a little about them, but not enough for Crone’s liking. The old witch seemed to have advice for her on every step of the process. By the end, Marigold felt as if someone had melted down a book and poured it into her brain. In reality, they had only melted down calendula, comfrey, and beeswax and poured it neatly into pocket-sized tins. Nary had a more perfect salve been made, thought Marigold. Crone swept crumbs of lavender off the worktable while Marigold picked bits of beeswax off her hands.
   “Now they have to cool, at least a few hours, right?” asked the young witch.
   “Right you are, girl.”
   “So, you probably have time for a long story you said you’d tell another day.”
   Crone paused in her sweeping, staring at the tiny purple petals; then looked to Marigold, stoic as ever.
   “Not gonna let that go, eh?”
   Marigold shrugged. “I’m not sure. I might, if you’re really determined not to say anything. Or, I might just go ask someone else. Even I don’t know how curious I can be.”
   With a sigh, Crone poured the last of the lavender into the wastebasket and set it down. She hobbled over to her usual armchair, lowering herself into it with care. Marigold sat in its twin, waiting patiently. The old woman hooked her cane over the arm of her chair before speaking.
   “What is it you want to know, exactly?”
   “Why you think that sorcerers exist,” said Marigold. “And, why you’re hesitant to talk about it. And who might tell me more, if you won’t.”
   “I will,” said Crone, “but I’ll be cautious, girl, as you should be. Trouble goes where trouble’s welcome and some people wait for it by the door with a drink and a pair of slippers. Don’t be doin’ anything reckless with the things I tell you.”
   “You offered to teach me witchery,” said Marigold. “I doubt you did that because you thought me reckless.”
   Crone gave her a narrow sidelong glance, which was her way of offering silent approval.
   “I don’t know anyone,” she began, “who would know more’n I do, and I already don’t know much. So I can’t help you there. I’m hesitant to talk about it because I don’t know what’s still out there and I don’t want you gettin’ hurt by it. But, as you say, you’re not reckless. I’ll hold you to that, girl.” Crone gave another small sigh. “As for your first question…”

   She was not yet thirty, but the county knew her as their best midwife. She was good at a lot of other things, being a witch, but she had a certain touch for babies and all that went with them. It came as no surprise, then, that someone knocked on her cottage door late one night.
   The rain was steadily falling, and had been all evening. She pulled her housecoat tight against the chill as she opened the door. Most of her visitor’s face was obscured in shadow under a cloak hood. She could see a beard, short and straight, a mouth hanging slack, puffing steam. He held a lantern that illumined only two tiny points of light in his eyes. Water dripped from his facial hair, from the trim of his cloak.
   “You are the midwife,” he panted. It was barely a question; more a confused statement.
   “I’m A midwife,” she corrected. “How can I help you?”
   The man seemed to think for a moment, as if unsure why he might be calling on a midwife at this hour.
   “She needs you,” he choked. The witch was already reaching for her ready bag.
   “I’ll bet she does. Lead the way.”
   She turned up the hood of her own hastily donned cloak as she followed him to the waiting coach. He hurried to the door to hold it open for her. The witch scanned the coach in and out, the two horses, the man.
   “You drove here alone?” she asked him. He paused for another strange second before responding.
   “Yes.”
   “Then I’m up front with you. I need answers as soon as I can get ‘em.”
   This statement seemed to paralyze him with indecision. He whispered something she couldn’t quite understand.
   “What was that?”
   The man closed the coach door with one trembling arm.
   “Fine,” he declared flatly. “We must go.”
   He stalked over to the passenger side to help her up. Once he had climbed onto the driver’s seat and urged the horses on, she started to bombard him with questions, raising her voice over the clack of hooves and the rumble of wheels.
   “Is she losin’ the baby, or deliverin’ it?”
   He didn’t seem to want to answer that. She tried a different approach.
   “When did she first know she was pregnant? Do you know?”
   A moment of falling rain. Then:
   “Spring. Just before last frost.”
   “Delivering, then. And a bit early.” The witch nodded slowly to herself. “Has she been labouring long?”
   The man’s hands were tight on the reins. Silent, he turned to the witch. In the light from the lantern sconces, she could see his eyes, though they remained shadowy and distant. She felt a twinge of recognition, but only a twinge.
   “Help,” he croaked. The witch grabbed his shoulder.
   “I want to,” she said calmly, “and I can do it better the more I know. How long has she been—“
   “Not her,” said the man. His voice was thick, slow, strained. “She…has…me…” He inhaled sharply, and his eyes settled back on the road.
   “A day and more,” he said, once more flat and clear. “Too long. Something is not right.”
   The witch kept her hand where it was. She studied the man with laser focus. He kept his eyes forward.
   “Something is not right,” she agreed. “What’s your name?”
   She watched the muscles in his throat fight eachother for supremacy.
   “That is not important right now,” he insisted. “They are.”
   “They?”
   “There are two. Children.”
   The witch did not ask how this was known.
   “If that’s true, that would explain a lot,” she said. “And you - are you the father?”
   “That is not important.”
   She realized now where they were headed: over the mountain behind the tiny village of Steadney. Even in the pitch black rain, she knew the county. The witch leaned in closer to the man, her hand still on his shoulder.
   “She has you, what?” she whispered. The horses trotted on. The rain fell. The man’s head angled towards her, but he did not look up.
   “Slater,” he said, loud and clear. His teeth snapped shut, his lips closed over them. He said no more for the rest of the journey, no matter what she asked. The witch removed her hand, and even managed to tear her eyes away, but her brain was not so complacent.
   The horses pulled up outside a castle, hidden in the peaks overlooking Blankston county. The now silent man helped the witch down from the coach and led her inside by lantern light, seeming to care very little where the horses might end up without his guidance. He closed the tall front doors on the rain with a creak of hinges.
   The castle was silent, and as dark as the night outside. The man cut across the grand foyer floor, lantern held aloft. The witch followed without hesitation. He led her up a flight of stairs, along a narrow landing to a dimly lit bedroom.
   A still, silent woman lay on her side on the grand canopy bed. Her breathing came heavy, but regular. Yes, thought the witch, delivering.
   The woman opened her eyes, staring straight at the man lurking in the doorway behind the midwife.
   “My love, you must go,” she sighed. “See to the horses, then, to your chambers. We have no further need of you.”
   “Now, hold on,” said the witch. “Another pair of hands might well be useful…”
   “I will wait until that comes to pass. For now, he must go.”
   He set the lantern down on a small table by the door. It rattled in his hand; the witch could see his whole body trembling. He staggered backwards out of the doorway, like a poorly made clockwork soldier, and marched away like one. Not entirely sure why, the witch closed the bedroom door after him. She wanted to ask a thousand different things, but there was only time for one line of questioning. She set her bag and herself at the end of the bed.
   “Is this your first?” asked the witch.
   “Yes.” After a pause, the woman added: “There are two.”
   “So I hear. You’re sure about that?”
   “I feel their presence. Their hearts beat. There are two.”
   The witch pulled back her sleeves, and set a hand on the woman’s knee, urging her onto her back.
   “May I?”
   The woman eased herself over with no hesitation. The witch carefully lifted her skirts. There was little blood; that was one small comfort. There was plenty of mucus, however, and liquid soaked into the sheets; and a head coated in purple-red gore struggling to slide forth into the world.
   “Stargazer,” muttered the witch, as she reached into her bag.
   “What does that mean?” breathed the woman.
   “A baby born facin’ up. We come out easier pointed at the earth. Your little one’s got themselves stuck with their eyes to the heavens. At this point I’m not sure I can turn ‘em. It’ll be a difficult delivery but you’ll both pull through if you do as I say.”

   Crone paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts. Marigold did not dare interrupt.
   “They did,” said the old witch. “Both of ‘em. All of ‘em. The first born was a girl, hair dark as any I’d seen on a baby. Sure enough, a few minutes later, she had a blond little brother. He came out a bit easier. Stuck his hand out first, to take the measure of the world, I suppose. At least his head was the right way ‘round.”
   Silence fell again. Marigold took her chance.
   “She was right, then. Twins.”
   Crone gave a resigned shrug. “It ain’t unheard of, for a mother to know. It also ain’t unheard of for them to get it wrong. This woman…she knew.”
   Marigold watched the worry creep back onto the old witch’s face as she reflected on her tale. She left it as long as she could stand.
   “That’s not what scared you,” said Marigold.
   “No. I don’t scare that easily, my girl.”

   They moved, and breathed, but they did not cry. The witch could find nothing wrong with them; but she could not make them cry. The most she heard were disgruntled mewls as she wrapped them in blankets and gave them over to the woman. They each took to the breast as if they’d been doing it for months; their mother offered her milk in much the same way. The witch paused in the repacking of her bag to study the odd trio.
   “They’re your only two,” she queried. The woman met her gaze.
   “Why should you think differently?”
   “Meant no offense,” said the witch. “You just took to it awful quick.”
   The woman smiled at her, then down at the baby at her right breast. Then the one at her left.
   “A mother knows her children,” was the most explanation she offered. The witch could only shrug and add the last towel to the pile of laundry. She gathered it in one arm, and took up the deep basin filled with now superfluous tissues in the other.
   “I’ll be back in a moment,” said the witch, “and we can give those two their first bath.”
   “I look forward to it,” said the woman dreamily.
   “That, uh, fella…did you want me to tell him the good news?”
   The woman did not look up from her children. The angelic smile on her face dimmed.
   “No,” she whispered. “I shall see to that myself.”
   “Alright,” said the witch, as tactful as she could manage. “Kitchen’s downstairs, I assume?”
   It was indeed, tucked away in a far corner from the front door. The witch found it at the bottom of a narrow spiral staircase, complete with a small well and an expansive fireplace. She pulled up a bucket of water and gave the basin a good clean, having tipped its contents out in the woods a short walk from the kitchen’s back door. She then set four more buckets to boil in the huge pot hanging in the fireplace. The stained towels and blankets she set to soak in the wash-tub in the corner, pouring cold water over them slowly and surely.
   The witch was well aware that she was being monitored. Had been since she’d left the bedroom. No woman with the luxury of time would be up and about so soon after the birth of a baby, let alone two; yet here she was, waiting around the turn of the spiral staircase. The witch could not see her, but the witch knew, sure as she’d felt the foxes and badgers eyeing her from the trees as she poured out the contents of the basin onto the leafy forest floor.
   She carried on. There was no other sensible choice, really. She could have bolted out the kitchen door, or confronted whatever this woman was; neither seemed right with so little known. The witch waited, drawing up from the well to kill the agonizing seconds, until she heard near-silent footsteps retreating. Once she heard them no more, she followed.
   Peering back into the foyer, the witch immediately caught the stark white flutter of a nightdress against the far wall. It disappeared into a stairwell identical to the one in which she lurked. She crossed the foyer, silent and slow. She waited at the top of the stairwell, and heard nothing.
   A few stairs down, she froze, flattening back against the wall. The sound of heavy lock tumblers had reverberated up the spiral corridor. She had heard no keys jingling, and so had been taken by surprise. She waited. The heavy creak of a door swinging open, then closed. The tumblers did not turn again.
   She followed into ever deeper darkness. At the end of the staircase was a landing, and meeting it was a solid iron door, swung open towards her. There was no sign of the woman. The witch crept through the door down another short flight of steps onto a crumbling walkway overlooking the dungeon beneath. She crouched down low, throttling the gasp in her throat. Only faint firelight from a few meagre candles illuminated the masonry, and the runny dampness on the walls, and the prisoner.
   He had a manacle around each ankle and a larger one around his neck. A chain fed from each into three thick iron anchors mounted deep in the old stone wall, against which he sat curled. His hands were free, not that it did him any good. He had done it himself, thought the witch with a thrill. He’d returned to his chambers as ordered.
   The woman appeared from underneath the walkway. As her eyes adjusted to the dark, the witch could see a straight set of stairs at the end of the platform where she crouched. The woman crossed to the chained man and knelt down before him. She slid her hands under his jaw, cradling his stubbled face. Though she tilted it up towards her, the man’s eyes stayed firmly down and away.
   “My love, I am sorry,” she breathed. “I do not like sending you to your chambers; but it was too hard to hold you as I lay abed.”
   She slid her hands onto his shoulders, and leaned into an embrace that was not reciprocated.
   “Now, I am free,” she said, gazing longingly into his impassive face. “And we have been blessed with a daughter and a son.”
   It wasn’t planned. It was instinct too strong to resist. He spat in her face, an untidy web that spread gratifyingly wide. She blinked at him in shock; he still did not meet her eyes, hanging his head.
   “I don’t care what demons you whelped,” he growled.
   The woman sat back. Stiff and robotic, she wiped the spittle from her face with her sleeve. Then, she looked at him once more.
   The change was instantaneous. He met her eyes, bright, attentive. He sat forward, straighter and taller. His face was blank and eager as a child’s, ready to help.
   “I understand, my love,” said the woman. “It is stressful to be a father. You are scared because you don’t understand what lies ahead. That is alright. You will learn the way, darling.”
   The woman stood. As she towered over him, the manacles popped open, all three at once. They fell with a riotous clatter to the stones beneath.
   “For now,” continued the woman, “we have business to see to. You must ready the carriage, and together, we will return the witch to her cottage. I will bring the children, and ride with her. I would stay here and rest, but…you spoke too much as you brought her here. I must watch you closely, I’m afraid.”
   The witch had heard enough. Slowly, carefully, she hoisted herself into a crabwalk, setting her arms on the first step up. As she tried to push off with her foot, a crumbling stone underneath gave way. The crunch of gravel made the sorcerer turn her head; the falling stone caught her eye. She riveted on the witch, more angry than surprised. The stone hitting the dungeon floor resonated in the silence.
   The witch landed on top of it only a moment later. Her muscles suddenly went limp as a doll’s; try as she might, she could not engage them. An unseen force pulled her over the edge of the walkway, throwing her to the ground at the sorcerer’s feet. She remained frozen, unable to look anywhere but the woman’s blazing eyes. She felt the world begin to close in, pain surging over her entire body…
   “No!” shouted the man. “No, don’t hurt her! Not again, please—“
   He fell silent in the same second as the pain retreated. The witch gasped, coming back into her body like a diver resurfacing. The sorcerer had her head turned slightly, focusing on the man. As she caught the witch’s movements, she turned back, riveting on her, freezing her in place. Death seized her muscles once more. And once more, the man was able to shout.
   “No! No, please…” He paused, thinking. “Please, darling.”
   The pain ebbed again, but she still could not move. The sorcerer was gazing off into the depths of the cellar, refusing to look at her prisoner.
   “Let her go, my love. Please. She’s done nothing wrong. She saved your childr…our children. My daughter and son.”
   The sorcerer took a deep breath. The witch could see tears brimming in her eyes.
   “If she leaves,” she whispered, “she’ll tell them you’re here. They’ll come to take you away again.”
   “Let me speak to her, darling. Let her go. I beg you.”
   The witch curled up on her side like a wilting leaf as the woman released her enchanted grip.
   “There’s no need to beg of me, my love,” she whispered, wiping away tears and the dregs of saliva. The man met the witch’s eyes.
   “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry you’ve been caught up in this. I thought you might be able to help me, but…now I see how foolish that was. She’s too strong. Even over miles, she still has me trapped. This is going to sound strange, and you’re going to want to disregard me, but you have to leave…and you have to tell no one. Tell no one you saw me here.”
   He hung his head, letting his hair fall forward into his eyes.
   “She’ll kill them. Anyone who dares to save me will not leave here alive, do you understand? I’m stuck, I see that now. And I don’t want anyone else dying for me. Please, just go. Try to forget.”
   The witch sat up slowly, stiff with pain. She looked to the sorcerer; back to the man.
   “There must be something I can do,” she whispered. The man’s face crumpled in pain.
   “I don’t want to risk it. Gods, I’d rather stay here the rest of my life than see that again. Don’t try to help me. Please.”
   The witch reflected a moment.
   “On the way up,” she said, “I asked your name. All you said was Slater.”
   “Yes, I’m sorry,” sobbed the man, suddenly in tears. “She…shut me up before I could say more. My first name…”
   “Gregory,” guessed the witch. He nodded solemnly.
   “The tanner,” she continued. “You went missin’ a couple years ago. I remember you,” she added quietly. “And your wife went missin’ not long after.”
   He took a moment to compose himself.
   “She came up here,” he croaked, “with a dozen men from town. I don’t know how she found me, but, bless her, she did. They had pistols, and bows, and torches. They didn’t even make it in the front door. As soon as she knew what they’d come for, she…well, the men with pistols, she made them shoot the others, then themselves. One by one. Cassandra…her brains were everywhere. I was made to clean it up. All of it. I lay them together and set them alight. I…can’t do that again. It would drive me mad. And for your own sake, don’t get that blood on your hands.”
   The witch knew he was not exaggerating. The power radiating off the sorcerer was palpable, even in its lulled state. But, she was a witch, and a witch had to try. She turned to the silent, shaking sorcerer.
   “What would your name be, then?”
   The woman looked almost affronted.
   “I have none I would care to tell you.”
   The witch sighed. “Do you understand that what you’re doing is wrong?”
   The man suddenly leapt forward, reaching for her.
   “No! No, don’t try it! Please, just go while you can!”
   “I’ll go when I’ve had my answer. If you want to kill me,” she spat at the sorcerer, “so be it. Wouldn’t expect anything less from a coward like you. Look me in the eyes and tell me what you’ve done. Only then will I keep your secret.”
   Tears spilled down the sorcerer’s face as she considered the ultimatum.
   “I…”
   “Look me in the eyes,” repeated the witch. The woman used every ounce of resolve to do so.
   “I protected my lover,” she warbled, “from those who would do him harm. I rescued him from that harlot who tricked him into calling her ‘wife’! I gave him a second chance with someone who truly loves him!”
   The witch kept her voice low, and quiet.
   “You’re lying. To yourself, and to me. And to him. And you know it.”
   Flames erupted from the sorcerer’s hands; she raised them high. The witch merely closed her eyes.
   “Darling, please!” yelled the man. “If you’ve ever loved me, don’t do it! Don’t hurt her!”
   After a pause, the witch dared to look. The sorcerer was still aflame, tears running down her face, but she had not moved. The man riveted on the witch.
   “Go! Go now! There’s nothing you can do! She won’t hear you! Just save yourself and forget you ever saw me! Please!”

   Crone was studying her hands with bitter intensity.
   “I got out,” she murmured. “But there was no way to forget.”
   Marigold pondered the tale a moment, in silence.
   “You…didn’t just leave him there.” It was a plea more than anything.
   “We all did,” sighed Crone. “The whole county. They knew, girl, even the Guard. They knew a dozen people don’t just vanish up in the woods a mile outta Steadney. They knew summat was wrong with that woman, summat more than a head doctor could explain. They knew an army could charge that castle, and there’d still be fatalities. They’d told Ms. Slater not to go, just as they told me not to return. No one was willing to die for him; not even me. I tried, at first, to get folks to help. Rally the troops. But I got shouted down, and eventually I saw that them who did the shouting was right.”
   Marigold didn’t see how that could be so, but she promised herself she’d think on it later.
   “So, he could still be up there,” she observed. Crone waggled her head.
   “Could be, though I doubt it. This was more’n fifty years ago. If he is alive, he ain’t for much longer.”
   “And…she could still be up there.”
   “That’s more likely,” said Crone. “Tales of sorcerers last for hundreds of years, and I think they themselves do too. Thousands, for all I know. Hell, I remember stories about a cursed woman up Steadney way when I was a girl. Heard ‘em from my gran. I just didn’t believe ‘em at the time.”
   Marigold was staring silently into the cold fireplace, mesmerized. Crone couldn’t help a smirk.
   “I’ll only say it one more time, girl. Don’t go doin’ summat reckless.”
   Marigold met her eyes.
   “I’ll check on the unguents.”

Next...

2.3.19

Part Eleven - Of All The Wondrous Afterwords There Are

   Lost? Here's Part One.

   Despite what the length of this essay may tell you, I have not said everything that could be said about The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T. There's no end of factoids and tidbits out there that I found fascinating, yet decided to cut for clarity's sake. The goal was to help people understand this film and appreciate the damage that was done to it; flooding the pages with trivia seemed counterproductive to that end.

   There are songs I did not embed. There are scenes I neglected to mention entirely. There are so very many things I chose not to say in the name of simplicity. My only hope is that I made the right choices, the ones that might help you comprehend this weird, wonderful rabbit hole of a movie.

   Thanks are in order, yet in no particular order.

   Thank you to goodstock.photos, for the drumkit and the auditorium.

   Thank you to ezgif.com, for being amazingly easy to use.

   Thank you to the team at Film Score Monthly and all who helped them put together the collection of lost songs, which taught me more about this film than I thought possible.

   Thank you to Dr. Seuss. It was not your fault and I'm sorry you ever had to hide it.

   Thank you to my dad for showing me this movie in the first place.

   And if you have made it this far, thank you for sticking with me.

   Play again?

Part Ten - My Piano Brings All The Boys To The Institute


   Lost? Here's Part One.

   So. Bart and Mr. Z are locked up. Dr. T prances off to prepare for his grand concert, leaving the two of them under the watchful eye of the literally already napping Stroogo. Mr. Z complains about the stank in the dungeon, but luckily, he brought his bottle of AirFix!



   What is AirFix, you ask, and why have you not heard of it until now even though it’s literally the most important part of the plot?
   That’s not rhetorical, I actually do not know. Two guesses: either it’s more dream logic, or it’s more context lost in editing. I’d put my money down on ‘dream logic’ for once, since I’ve seen nothing about AirFix in anything I’ve read of the original plot. I find it discouraging that this movie is so cut up that I can’t be sure on the difference between dream logic and the editing process.



‘AirFix - It Fixes Air’. I take it all back. These wonderful jerks knew exactly what they were doing.

   It’s Febreeze, essentially. It pulls odours from the air. Bart gets a bright idea; if it can eliminate smells, why not sound? They start pulling random stuff out of their pockets to try to turn it into a MusicFix.



   When they mix it all up, they get this:



   And pour it into the bottle. But - gasp! - it doesn’t work! Thankfully, there’s a sleeping guard wearing a hearing aid not a foot from their very cell!


“It brings noises into his ear, why couldn’t it bring noises into our bottle?”

   Now that; that right there is dream logic. No two ways about it. Speaking of dream logic, Mr. Zabladowski warns Bart that the MusicFix might be atomic. Trust me, there IS a reason this is mentioned. It’s not just because this was 1953, when everything was considered atomic in some way.
   The guards come to bring Bart up to the piano, unwittingly placing a nuclear weapon at the foot of their beloved leader. My favourite part about this is they don’t bother to wake Stroogo up and he doesn’t hear them because his hearing aid’s out. Details!
   The 150 - I MEAN, 500 - boys have arrived for the opening concert and are being duly processed by the guards of the Terwilliker Institute.


   This is in no way a metaphor for Nazi officers confiscating the goods of prisoners on their way to the camps, why do you ask? Ignore the man in the slanket behind the curtain. Speaking of whom:


Looks like someone hit the pickle juice a little hard last night.

   I lied earlier. THIS is the single best housecoat I’ve ever seen. Dr. T makes a brief inspirational speech to all his gathered pupils from his bedroom window and swaggers off to get dressed.
   And get dressed he does, mi amigos. Welcome to the Dressing Song, colloquially known as ‘Do-Mi-Do Duds'.


Clean up in Aisle MY PANTIES.

   Okay, so. This song though. You guys? This song though. This song. You guys.

   It’s not perfect. Let’s get that out of the way right now. There are flaws - but the good outweighs the bad. It is easily the best song in the entire movie, and I will go so far as to say that that includes the songs from the original cut. It’s Seussian, it’s catchy, it’s ebullient, and it’s been stuck in my head more often than not. It’s also one of the first Google suggestions when you type in ‘5000 Fingers Of Dr. T - ‘dressing song’ or ‘dress me’ are frequent appendages, so I know I'm not alone.



   As with the Shlim Shlam, there’s a lot going on, and the visual element tends to distract from the music. It wasn’t until I made a point of trying to sing along to the soundtrack on my commute that I began to appreciate Hans Conried’s fabulous diction.



   Turns out this is nothing new; I found plenty of people online vaunting Mr. Conried’s praises for tackling difficult linguistic feats during his career. And here I am, a musically illiterate schmuck who is unable to keep rhythm without deep, DEEP concentration, trying to keep up. It took me roughly six weeks to finally nail the Dressing Song. There’s very little repetition and the lyricist, since God never closes a window without locking the door and setting the house on fire, is Dr. Seuss. To sing this monstrosity with such enthusiasm while being manhandled by a chorus line is something to be admired.



   A stylin’ and profilin’ Dr. T sashays down the stairs to conduct his grand concert.


"THIS! Is my day! Five THOUSAND little fingers, all playing together on my piano!"

   I'm just now realizing that the creepiest part about this is Dr. T's insistence that the five thousand fingers be little ones.


   "Every finger, obedient to the whim of me, the master! (heavy breathing) Every infinitesimal, microscopic piece of living TISS-ue of those five thousand little fingers cringing, and trembling, and grovellling before ME! Before ME!"

"Dr. Terwilliker, as I RAISE my BATON!"

   And yet, when the boys begin to play - there is no sound! After a few false starts, Dr. T realizes that Bart is the one behind this, and I quote (and will continue to quote forever), 'idiotic cockeyed flum-dummery'. When the guards move forward to apprehend Bart, he threatens to blow the place to smithereens with his magically atomic weapon. Dr. T, having been abandoned by his guards and fearful of a holocaust, is left with no choice but to relent his baton and allow the boys to go free.


You've not seen 'professionalism' until you've watched a man allow himself to be dragged
down a flight of steps by a pack of ravening ten year old boys. That commitment tho.

   It’s hard to describe this scene, it really is. At the very least it’s hard to do it justice in words. Speaking of atomic, Hans Conried detonates in a fiery mushroom cloud of just fucking wonderful acting. The sound design on the MusicFix effects are astonishingly bizarre. And then there’s Misery Boy.
   I’ve not been able to find a good explanation for Misery Boy, which is my name for him. I’ve got no clue what his actual name might be, but I have a reasonable guess as to who he was: a relative of someone on set. Someone important by the looks of it.
   Most of the boys at the piano are waaaaaaay in the background. And good thing, too. Take it away, IMDB:


   "According to producer Stanley Kramer, the film's budget would only allow him to hire 150 boys for the piano sequence, instead of the 500 boys he intended to use. When he threatened them with dismissal after they misbehaved, many of them stood up and cheered."

   Very few of the kids in this movie actually wanted to be. They’re kids; even I get it, and I don’t get kids. If I was ten years old and someone paid me peanuts to get shouted at by Hans Conried I’d probably hate it too. Some of these kids hated it more than others. Which brings us to Misery Boy.



   As the name suggests, he’s miserable for this whole ending sequence. At one point he’s actually got tears running down his face. Based on the stories I’ve read about the filming of this sequence, that’s not surprising.
   What’s surprising is that they cut to him at least a half-dozen times. Head-on. And you know what? Given that this is a scene where a tyrant is forcing children to touch his massive instrument, he should be fucking miserable. They all should be. I think that would be more appropriate, actually, if they all followed Misery Boy’s lead.
   But they keep cutting to him after Dr. T has been deposed. During the celebratory scene where the boys are raising gleeful hell on the piano, Misery Boy is cut to twice. He's the focus of the frame. And he’s still crying.



   Why keep that in? Why cut to him at all? Why is he front and centre at the piano? As the same brilliant person who explained grieving children to me pointed out: at the very least, have him be miserable at first, and happy once he gets to take his hands off Dr. T’s organ. And if he can’t handle that, then move him to the back.
   The only explanation I can think of is that this kid was the son of someone important, who was hoping to give him some screen time. Which, okay, that happens in Hollywood. But when the kid turfs it, you cut it out of the movie, end of story. I don't care from whose loins he sprang, he's outta here.
   Speaking of outta here, let's get it. We're almost done, I swear. The newly freed boys all join together for a chaotic rendition of Chopsticks, with Bart standing in as the conductor. As they bang out their cacophony on the piano, the MusicFix at Bart's feet begins to erupt! In fireworks! Which are definitely atomic! The boys start to run for their lives, but it's too late.



   And thus, in a fiery explosion, the beautiful debacle ends. Bart gets shaken awake at his mom’s piano by Mr. Z.


Gosh I dunno Mr. Z, maybe English lessons?

   Bart and Mr. Z realize they have bandages on their hands from their blood oath. But…it was a dream…wasn’t it?



   Mr. Z promises to take Bart fishing, for real this time, if he practices his piano. Then, the plumber gives Mom a ride into town. That’s not a metaphor, he literally does.



   And Bart fucks off outside to play.



   The End! Nothing is resolved. Sure, the dictator of dreamland has been deposed, but in real life he's still around. I had a vague memory of Dr. T not being so bad in the end, but it turns out that WAS just wishful thinking on my part.
   Everything still sucks for this kid, except his mom started dating again. Or the plumber just gave her a ride into town, that could be it too. Bart still has to take his piano lessons and Mom's still gonna give him a hard time about it. The dreary little boy concert is still on the schedule somewhere.
   Unless the implication is that Mom's going to lay off now that she has someone to frolic with in the pickle vineyards. All that energy was going towards piano lessons, perhaps?

Part Nine - Assorted Simple Tortures


   Lost? Here's Part One.

   Bart escapes through yet another air duct back to Mr. Zabladowski, who is finally convinced by the signed execution order before him. He swears a blood oath (in this case, the Boy Scout Laws) to Bart to help him rescue his mother.



   Once Mr. Z has agreed to the terms of this eldritch rite, Bart declares:

   Bart:
"Didn't you know? This makes you my old man."

   Mr. Z:
"Yeah, I guess you're right, I guess it does at that."

   Bart:
"Then let’s get going. We’ve gotta save your wife."

   Mr. Z:
"My wife? Oh yeah. Yeah, my wife. C’mon!"

   This took me a hot minute to understand. As with the pretend fishing trip, I was left utterly baffled at first, even in the context of a dream sequence. Again, I had no sympathy with Bart’s wish for a nuclear family, having known plenty of kids who grew up just fine without one. You ask me to care about what children want and it’s just not gonna turn out well, if at all.
   Luckily, I had someone nearby during a viewing of this film who understands how kids work. They pointed out that, in the dreams of a child who has lost his father, there are going to be conclusions jumped to about the closest thing he has to a father figure in his life. Having thought about it…yes. This is reasonable in the dreams of a grieving child.



   I don’t think I’d be having a hard time grasping this if Bart was dreaming about HIS father. That’s different from wanting A father. If my dad had passed away when I was younger, I wouldn’t have wished for just any dad who happened to come along. As nice as Mr. Zabladowski is, I would not be able to feel the same way about him were I in Bart’s position.
   But I digress. Bart and Mr. Zabladowski find Mom in her Lock-Me-Tight, and immediately launch a rescue. They torch the comically oversized lock and bust her out.


And I quote: "August Zabladowski; your plumber, and husband. Stand back."

   The trio escape undetected, only to come across the twin guards blocking their exit. Instead of having the editors cut them out of the movie like last time, Mr. Zabladowski decides to take them head on on their own turf (rollerskates) after steeling himself with ‘a snort of that pickle juice'.



   Also, forgot to mention, someone built a pickle juice machine for this movie. Ain't no thang. This is the only remaining scene where it’s shown, or even mentioned, and completely out of context at that. Yes, there is context for a pickle juice machine in the original cut.
   Thoroughly sauced on briny steroids, Mr. Zabladowski is ready to ‘show those Siamese hooligans’! His words, not mine. After the most thrilling rollerskate battle ever captured on film, he (or his stunt double, at least) manages to cut their beard in half with a pair of conveniently available hedge clippers. Which kills them. Because…sure. Dream. Right.



   High on the revelries of murder, our trio celebrates their victory, only to be interrupted by the pyjamas to end all pyjamas:



"You play a rather spirited game, Mr. Plumber; but the final score is the thing that counts."

   Thus begins the Victory Procession, as Dr T's guards march into the room en masse. The Victory Procession is made up of three elements: school songs, barbershop quartets, and Nazis. Yes, dear reader, Godwin’s Law applies to this essay.
   May I just say: all of those elements are handled remarkably well. The barbershop quartet appears to be an actual barbershop quartet. The lyrics to the school song are wonderfully silly; I’m not normally a fan of ‘the villains know they’re villains’, but hey, it’s Dr. Seuss, and it’s a dream, and it’s great:


   "A-rootity-toot! A-rootity-toot! Terwilliker-illiker Institute!
   Hooray for us!
   Rah-rah for us!
   We’re rough, we’re tough, we’re on the ball
   We’re gruesome one, we’re gruesome all
   Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us - hooray!
   We are victorious! (Victorious!)

   Now isn’t that, too glorious,
   Our nasty team, notorious,
   Us gruesome, grimy, glorious,
   Us stinkers are victorious!

   We ain’t too neat, we ain’t too bright,
   But nevertheless we won tonight,
   Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us - hooray!
   We are victorious! (Victorious!)

   Terwilliker, we sing to thee,
   Our cruel black hearts we bring to thee,
   For crime and slimy villainy,
   Terwilliker Academy!

   Oh the walls are green with ivy down at Harvard,
   And down at Princeton, and old Purdue,
   (And old Purdue…)
   So what, they think they’re smart with all their ivy?
   Us at Terwilliker got ivy too!
   (Got ivy too…)

   Yeah!

   Hail to thee our hallowed halls,
   We got poison ivy walls,
   Boo on Harvard, Yale and such,
   We got ivy they can’t touch!
   Poison ivy covered walls,
   Hail to thee our hallowed halls!
   (Hallowed halls!)

   Terwilliker, thy name we praise,
   We love thy foul, and loathsome ways,
   Thy crummy criminality,
   Terwilliker Academy!

   Alma mater, alma mater!
   Never ever, could be greater!
   Rotten as a, bad tomater!
   Alma mater!
   A-dee-dee-dow-dee-dow-dee-dow!

   We’re rough, we’re tough, we’re on the ball
   We’re gruesome one, we’re gruesome all
   Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us - hooray!
   Hooray! We are victorious!"

   As for the Nazi symbolism? I would go so far as to call it 'accurate'. Why don’t I go fetch examples, you ask? Because this is the internet and I don’t want to see what people have to say about footage of Hitler. Also I would rather not have that in my Youtube recommendations. But here are a few points I can go through without troubling my browser cache.

   1) Lines of troops, in uniform, marching and waving banners, singing about how great they are.



   Important to note that these lackeys didn’t really do fuck all to stop our heroic trio. Judson and Whitney did all the work.

   2) Heils. Like, not really, but, really. They are.



   3) Our esteemed and pyjama-ed leader. Once again, I have to praise the everloving hell out of Hans Conried. There is genuine, for true, for real pride on his face as he oversees his grand procession. There’s one point where he’s actually tearing up, just a touch:


Acting, everybody.

   He then slowly, stoically descends the stairs into the midst of his loving followers, the bobbling pom-poms on the tips of his slippers as dignified as any lord’s. It’s beautiful. The deadly serious Hitler impression is offset brilliantly by the velvet slanket.
   After briefly mourning Judson and Whitney, which again, is incredible, Dr. T sends Mrs. Collins back to her Lock-Me-Tight with the power of hand waggles. Bart and Mr. Z are escorted away by the man himself to…the dungeons! This time, they do not take the firepole, but the Dungeon Elevator:



   Within which we find this man:


"Oh my GOD!"

   That's not a quote from the movie, I actually exclaimed that out loud the first time I saw him. I’m surprised I have no memory of the elevator operator, since he’s easily one of the more disturbing images to be found in this film.

Also one of the few actors present who is a shade darker than 'eggshell'.

   Here begins the song titled ‘Dungeon Elevator’. Dungeon Elevator is a fascinatingly weird reflection of a very different era to our own. Way back in the day, when we all walked to school uphill both ways in the snow, we also walked to department stores sometimes. Department stores are still around, as far as I know, though most of the ones I could name have gone out of business or are going there now. People don’t patronize them so often these days, what with the online shopping and all. When we did, they had elevators, and those elevators did not have computers in them. A real dude had to stand in a real elevator in a real Eatons and tell you which floor you were on and what you could find there.
   Hence the Dungeon Elevator operator, who is simultaneously horrifying and an excellent bit of satire, if you understand what he’s satirizing. He announces the levels of the dungeon as if they were levels of a department store.

   “First floor dungeon!
   Assorted simple tortures!
   Molten lead, chopping blocks, and hot boiling oil!

   Second floor dungeon!
   Jewelry department!
   Leg chains, ankle chains, neck chains, wrist chains, thumbscrews, and nooses of the very finest rope!”

   Those are the two verses that made it to the final cut of the movie. Originally, there was a third. See if you can spot anything in it that might have caused alarm:

   “Third floor dungeon!
   Household appliances!
   Spiked beds, electric chairs, gas chambers, roasting pots, and scalping devices!”

   Need a hint? The Holocaust had ended only eight years previously to this film's release. Finally, an edit behind which I can see a logical progression of thought!
   After skipping, somewhat seamlessly, from the second floor to the basement, Dr. T takes a moment out of his busy schedule to give our heroes a personal tour of the dungeon.

   Who do they find down there? Do you remember?

   I remember. I will always remember.



   "I'm sure you'll find this the most FAScinating DUNgeon. That lovely rumbling sound you hear is one of my favourite prisoners. He was a bass drummer in an orchestra I once conducted. Had a very bad habit. You know that part in Beethoven's 5th Symphony where the drummer is supposed to go "A boom-boom-boom-boom"? Well this stupid lout always went "A boom-boom-boom-boom, a-BOOM". One extra boom, you know. He'll be here forever."

   I now understand why this was so traumatizing. It’s not until he learns the lesson. It’s forever. Fuck you. No saves, Do not pass Go. Redemption is for the weak and ours is a cruel, uncaring god.
   Mr. Zabladowski asks:


"You mean he has to keep beating that drum forever?"

   Dr. Terwilliker responds:

"Oh THAT isn't the man I'm punishing! My man, is INSIDE the drum!"

   YES HE IS, and he screams:

   "PLEASE DR. TERWILLIKER, LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!"

   It says a lot that this scene is still pretty disturbing, watching it as an adult. Whoever's in the drum does a fine job acting. Conveying pain. And loss. Like, it's not stage screaming, it's screaming. This looks like a horror movie, save the velvet slanket and pompoms.
   Which, I find it interesting to note, I did not remember. I had a clear memory of a different outfit that, turns out, does not exist in this film at any point. I have a theory on this that I will not bore you with. It involves Time Bandits, as most pointless, rambling things do.
   My visual memory of this scene is very different from how it actually happens, camera angles and all. I can’t say as I know why my brain thought this silhouette looked like one of Mozart. My only hypothesis is that shredded formalwear + a brief mention of Beethoven + four year old brain = powdered wigs and breeches.
   I remember the drum being bigger, as well, the way most objects of fear are in childhood. Not by much, but there’s definitely a clear discrepancy between how I remember it and how it looks.
   And here’s what I find the most interesting part: I remembered the speech about this man’s poor performance being delivered matter-of-factly. As in, ‘Of course he’s in there, why wouldn’t he be?” Whereas the actual monologue is incomprehensible around all of the chewed scenery in Hans Conried's mouth.



   This man is fucking delighted at his human rights violations. There's nothing businesslike about it. I'm guessing that I was already so horrified at the thought of a sound prison that I tried ignoring the fact that someone could enjoy such a thing. It was bad enough when it was just business, but pleasure? Unfathomable.

UPDATE: Sep. 15 2018 - On describing this scene to two people who had never heard of nor seen this movie, they both looked horrified and said of their own volition that that was fucked up.
   Twenty three years of my life have been validated.

   UPDATE: Oct. 3 2018 - Upon further examination of the poster for this movie, I have discovered a painted depiction of this scene with the caption: T Is For Terrifying!
   Further validation from the very source.

   My soul has been set free. Click here for Part Ten.