Lost? Here's Part One.
Bart escapes through yet another air duct back to Mr. Zabladowski, who is finally convinced by the signed execution order before him. He swears a blood oath (in this case, the Boy Scout Laws) to Bart to help him rescue his mother.
Bart escapes through yet another air duct back to Mr. Zabladowski, who is finally convinced by the signed execution order before him. He swears a blood oath (in this case, the Boy Scout Laws) to Bart to help him rescue his mother.
Once Mr. Z has agreed to the terms of this eldritch rite, Bart declares:
Bart:
"Didn't you know? This makes you my old man."
"Didn't you know? This makes you my old man."
Mr. Z:
"Yeah, I guess you're right, I guess it does at that."
"Yeah, I guess you're right, I guess it does at that."
Bart:
"Then let’s get going. We’ve gotta save your wife."
"Then let’s get going. We’ve gotta save your wife."
Mr. Z:
"My wife? Oh yeah. Yeah, my wife. C’mon!"
"My wife? Oh yeah. Yeah, my wife. C’mon!"
This took me a hot minute to understand. As with the pretend fishing trip, I was left utterly baffled at first, even in the context of a dream sequence. Again, I had no sympathy with Bart’s wish for a nuclear family, having known plenty of kids who grew up just fine without one. You ask me to care about what children want and it’s just not gonna turn out well, if at all.
Luckily, I had someone nearby during a viewing of this film who understands how kids work. They pointed out that, in the dreams of a child who has lost his father, there are going to be conclusions jumped to about the closest thing he has to a father figure in his life. Having thought about it…yes. This is reasonable in the dreams of a grieving child.
I don’t think I’d be having a hard time grasping this if Bart was dreaming about HIS father. That’s different from wanting A father. If my dad had passed away when I was younger, I wouldn’t have wished for just any dad who happened to come along. As nice as Mr. Zabladowski is, I would not be able to feel the same way about him were I in Bart’s position.
But I digress. Bart and Mr. Zabladowski find Mom in her Lock-Me-Tight, and immediately launch a rescue. They torch the comically oversized lock and bust her out.
And I quote: "August Zabladowski; your plumber, and husband. Stand back."
The trio escape undetected, only to come across the twin guards blocking their exit. Instead of having the editors cut them out of the movie like last time, Mr. Zabladowski decides to take them head on on their own turf (rollerskates) after steeling himself with ‘a snort of that pickle juice'.
Also, forgot to mention, someone built a pickle juice machine for this movie. Ain't no thang. This is the only remaining scene where it’s shown, or even mentioned, and completely out of context at that. Yes, there is context for a pickle juice machine in the original cut.
Thoroughly sauced on briny steroids, Mr. Zabladowski is ready to ‘show those Siamese hooligans’! His words, not mine. After the most thrilling rollerskate battle ever captured on film, he (or his stunt double, at least) manages to cut their beard in half with a pair of conveniently available hedge clippers. Which kills them. Because…sure. Dream. Right.
High on the revelries of murder, our trio celebrates their victory, only to be interrupted by the pyjamas to end all pyjamas:
"You play a rather spirited game, Mr. Plumber; but the final score is the thing that counts."
Thus begins the Victory Procession, as Dr T's guards march into the room en masse. The Victory Procession is made up of three elements: school songs, barbershop quartets, and Nazis. Yes, dear reader, Godwin’s Law applies to this essay.
May I just say: all of those elements are handled remarkably well. The barbershop quartet appears to be an actual barbershop quartet. The lyrics to the school song are wonderfully silly; I’m not normally a fan of ‘the villains know they’re villains’, but hey, it’s Dr. Seuss, and it’s a dream, and it’s great:
"A-rootity-toot! A-rootity-toot! Terwilliker-illiker Institute!
Hooray for us!
Rah-rah for us!
We’re rough, we’re tough, we’re on the ball
We’re gruesome one, we’re gruesome all
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us - hooray!
We are victorious! (Victorious!)
Now isn’t that, too glorious,
Our nasty team, notorious,
Us gruesome, grimy, glorious,
Us stinkers are victorious!
We ain’t too neat, we ain’t too bright,
But nevertheless we won tonight,
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us - hooray!
We are victorious! (Victorious!)
Terwilliker, we sing to thee,
Our cruel black hearts we bring to thee,
For crime and slimy villainy,
Terwilliker Academy!
Oh the walls are green with ivy down at Harvard,
And down at Princeton, and old Purdue,
(And old Purdue…)
So what, they think they’re smart with all their ivy?
Us at Terwilliker got ivy too!
(Got ivy too…)
Yeah!
Hail to thee our hallowed halls,
We got poison ivy walls,
Boo on Harvard, Yale and such,
We got ivy they can’t touch!
Poison ivy covered walls,
Hail to thee our hallowed halls!
(Hallowed halls!)
Terwilliker, thy name we praise,
We love thy foul, and loathsome ways,
Thy crummy criminality,
Terwilliker Academy!
Alma mater, alma mater!
Never ever, could be greater!
Rotten as a, bad tomater!
Alma mater!
A-dee-dee-dow-dee-dow-dee-dow!
We’re rough, we’re tough, we’re on the ball
We’re gruesome one, we’re gruesome all
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us - hooray!
Hooray! We are victorious!"
Hooray for us!
Rah-rah for us!
We’re rough, we’re tough, we’re on the ball
We’re gruesome one, we’re gruesome all
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us - hooray!
We are victorious! (Victorious!)
Now isn’t that, too glorious,
Our nasty team, notorious,
Us gruesome, grimy, glorious,
Us stinkers are victorious!
We ain’t too neat, we ain’t too bright,
But nevertheless we won tonight,
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us - hooray!
We are victorious! (Victorious!)
Terwilliker, we sing to thee,
Our cruel black hearts we bring to thee,
For crime and slimy villainy,
Terwilliker Academy!
Oh the walls are green with ivy down at Harvard,
And down at Princeton, and old Purdue,
(And old Purdue…)
So what, they think they’re smart with all their ivy?
Us at Terwilliker got ivy too!
(Got ivy too…)
Yeah!
Hail to thee our hallowed halls,
We got poison ivy walls,
Boo on Harvard, Yale and such,
We got ivy they can’t touch!
Poison ivy covered walls,
Hail to thee our hallowed halls!
(Hallowed halls!)
Terwilliker, thy name we praise,
We love thy foul, and loathsome ways,
Thy crummy criminality,
Terwilliker Academy!
Alma mater, alma mater!
Never ever, could be greater!
Rotten as a, bad tomater!
Alma mater!
A-dee-dee-dow-dee-dow-dee-dow!
We’re rough, we’re tough, we’re on the ball
We’re gruesome one, we’re gruesome all
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us - hooray!
Hooray! We are victorious!"
As for the Nazi symbolism? I would go so far as to call it 'accurate'. Why don’t I go fetch examples, you ask? Because this is the internet and I don’t want to see what people have to say about footage of Hitler. Also I would rather not have that in my Youtube recommendations. But here are a few points I can go through without troubling my browser cache.
1) Lines of troops, in uniform, marching and waving banners, singing about how great they are.
Important to note that these lackeys didn’t really do fuck all to stop our heroic trio. Judson and Whitney did all the work.
2) Heils. Like, not really, but, really. They are.
3) Our esteemed and pyjama-ed leader. Once again, I have to praise the everloving hell out of Hans Conried. There is genuine, for true, for real pride on his face as he oversees his grand procession. There’s one point where he’s actually tearing up, just a touch:
Acting, everybody.
He then slowly, stoically descends the stairs into the midst of his loving followers, the bobbling pom-poms on the tips of his slippers as dignified as any lord’s. It’s beautiful. The deadly serious Hitler impression is offset brilliantly by the velvet slanket.
After briefly mourning Judson and Whitney, which again, is incredible, Dr. T sends Mrs. Collins back to her Lock-Me-Tight with the power of hand waggles. Bart and Mr. Z are escorted away by the man himself to…the dungeons! This time, they do not take the firepole, but the Dungeon Elevator:
Within which we find this man:
"Oh my GOD!"
That's not a quote from the movie, I actually exclaimed that out loud the first time I saw him. I’m surprised I have no memory of the elevator operator, since he’s easily one of the more disturbing images to be found in this film.
Also one of the few actors present who is a shade darker than 'eggshell'.
Here begins the song titled ‘Dungeon Elevator’. Dungeon Elevator is a fascinatingly weird reflection of a very different era to our own. Way back in the day, when we all walked to school uphill both ways in the snow, we also walked to department stores sometimes. Department stores are still around, as far as I know, though most of the ones I could name have gone out of business or are going there now. People don’t patronize them so often these days, what with the online shopping and all. When we did, they had elevators, and those elevators did not have computers in them. A real dude had to stand in a real elevator in a real Eatons and tell you which floor you were on and what you could find there.
Hence the Dungeon Elevator operator, who is simultaneously horrifying and an excellent bit of satire, if you understand what he’s satirizing. He announces the levels of the dungeon as if they were levels of a department store.
“First floor dungeon!
Assorted simple tortures!
Molten lead, chopping blocks, and hot boiling oil!
Second floor dungeon!
Jewelry department!
Leg chains, ankle chains, neck chains, wrist chains, thumbscrews, and nooses of the very finest rope!”
Those are the two verses that made it to the final cut of the movie. Originally, there was a third. See if you can spot anything in it that might have caused alarm:
“Third floor dungeon!
Household appliances!
Spiked beds, electric chairs, gas chambers, roasting pots, and scalping devices!”
Need a hint? The Holocaust had ended only eight years previously to this film's release. Finally, an edit behind which I can see a logical progression of thought!
After skipping, somewhat seamlessly, from the second floor to the basement, Dr. T takes a moment out of his busy schedule to give our heroes a personal tour of the dungeon.
Who do they find down there? Do you remember?
I remember. I will always remember.
"I'm sure you'll find this the most FAScinating DUNgeon. That lovely rumbling sound you hear is one of my favourite prisoners. He was a bass drummer in an orchestra I once conducted. Had a very bad habit. You know that part in Beethoven's 5th Symphony where the drummer is supposed to go "A boom-boom-boom-boom"? Well this stupid lout always went "A boom-boom-boom-boom, a-BOOM". One extra boom, you know. He'll be here forever."
I now understand why this was so traumatizing. It’s not until he learns the lesson. It’s forever. Fuck you. No saves, Do not pass Go. Redemption is for the weak and ours is a cruel, uncaring god.
Mr. Zabladowski asks:
"You mean he has to keep beating that drum forever?"
Dr. Terwilliker responds:
"Oh THAT isn't the man I'm punishing! My man, is INSIDE the drum!"
YES HE IS, and he screams:
"PLEASE DR. TERWILLIKER, LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!"
It says a lot that this scene is still pretty disturbing, watching it as an adult. Whoever's in the drum does a fine job acting. Conveying pain. And loss. Like, it's not stage screaming, it's screaming. This looks like a horror movie, save the velvet slanket and pompoms.
Which, I find it interesting to note, I did not remember. I had a clear memory of a different outfit that, turns out, does not exist in this film at any point. I have a theory on this that I will not bore you with. It involves Time Bandits, as most pointless, rambling things do.
My visual memory of this scene is very different from how it actually happens, camera angles and all. I can’t say as I know why my brain thought this silhouette looked like one of Mozart. My only hypothesis is that shredded formalwear + a brief mention of Beethoven + four year old brain = powdered wigs and breeches.
I remember the drum being bigger, as well, the way most objects of fear are in childhood. Not by much, but there’s definitely a clear discrepancy between how I remember it and how it looks.
And here’s what I find the most interesting part: I remembered the speech about this man’s poor performance being delivered matter-of-factly. As in, ‘Of course he’s in there, why wouldn’t he be?” Whereas the actual monologue is incomprehensible around all of the chewed scenery in Hans Conried's mouth.
This man is fucking delighted at his human rights violations. There's nothing businesslike about it. I'm guessing that I was already so horrified at the thought of a sound prison that I tried ignoring the fact that someone could enjoy such a thing. It was bad enough when it was just business, but pleasure? Unfathomable.
UPDATE: Sep. 15 2018 - On describing this scene to two people who had never heard of nor seen this movie, they both looked horrified and said of their own volition that that was fucked up.
Twenty three years of my life have been validated.
UPDATE: Oct. 3 2018 - Upon further examination of the poster for this movie, I have discovered a painted depiction of this scene with the caption: T Is For Terrifying!
